Welcome to My Mid-life Crisis

There are dishes waiting to be washed. They’d take ten minutes to do but I’ve been delaying for eight hours. I should go to bed and start fresh in the morning but guilt is keeping me in this kitchen chair.

The thoughts I think lately! Shocking. Dirty, snarky, true and funny, but out of character for me I think. A friend of mine says in a few years I’ll lose my filter and I’ll start saying those thoughts out loud and then I can officially begin my career as an eccentric old lady. It’s already starting. Today I heard that so-and-so lives in Rochester and I said, “On purpose?”

I’m cold all the time now.

And hungry.

I think I’m happier than I was this time last year. I’m certainly busier than I was this time last year. I go to the gym, I take the kids swimming, I occasionally shop, I babysit the kid next door. The secret is that I’m coasting on the habits I started to build before winter depression set in. I just have to keep it going. Once I fall down I might never get back up.

Plus, I’m thinner than I was last year, so that’s something.

I wish I could do or make something really beautiful but I don’t know how.

I’m not even sure I know who I am. Who I think I am. Who other people think I am. Or why any of that matters at all. Really it’s just about who He says I am. But I look in the mirror and I see a serious, furrow-browed, middle-aged woman – someone who looks like she knows something. But inside I’m all silliness and anxiety. Insecurity just ain’t cute at my age.

What is there to look forward to? What milestones? What adventures? Rhetorical, don’t answer.

My husband doesn’t want to be my companion in seeking out new worlds and new civilizations. He doesn’t want to hike the Appalachian trail with me. I think he might be planning his death. Sometimes I think he’s surprised he’s lasted this long; he thought he was elderly at 34.

And then what for me? I’ll wish we’d made love more, that I’d been nicer, complained less, washed the dishes. Oh, the dishes.

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7 thoughts on “Welcome to My Mid-life Crisis

  1. Julie says:

    Oh the winter blahs… the days are so short and the dark is so long! Hang on to what is true.

    In BSF yesterday we were talking about John 6, when the crowds that had adored Jesus started to grumble and leave Him, because it was all too hard to believe. He asked the disciples, “Do you want to go away as well?” And then Peter – I love Peter – answered, “Too whom shall we go?” Even though Peter didn’t have it all figured out, didn’t really fully “get it” either, He knew Jesus was his best hope, and he was sticking to Him.

    I hear ya about the filters… working on that, myself! And you know what? I think it might a hoot to be an eccentric old lady ;D

    • Sara McDaren says:

      I had a Peter moment several years ago. It’s hard to put into words, but… even if I don’t understand or even don’t like (ha! hubris) the way some things are, there is no one else. Even if there were no reward, no afterlife and this were it then I’d still have to cling to Him because there is no one else. Even if the end were annihilation or condemnation, I couldn’t walk away because to whom would I go? He is big and I am small. Creator and created. Potter, clay. Words are failing me, but I think you understand.

      I wish I could say I were as convinced in my heart of his goodness as I am of his ALLness. Intellectually, I know it, but that’s different from KNOWing it.

  2. anitvan says:

    Hey.

    Hugs.

    It makes me sad to hear you are feeling shitty.

    I’m coming out of a long period of not knowing who I am. Questioning everything. Floating through life seemingly untethered, wondering how the hell I got so lost.

    Its an agonizing way to live – I’m sorry you are experiencing it.

    I’m here.

  3. learninglife203 says:

    UGH! I hit enter before I was done! It’s what I do apparently! I do it here, I do there and then I ramble about it like a cat circling the ankles of the internet and decorating the air with sharp and warbling MEOWS.

    At any rate…. What you have written here is resonating. Especially the depression, although I feel it all year it seems to have it’s own seasons. I found myself searching the Bible last night. “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart and saves such as have a contrite spirit” Psalms 34:18 .
    I hope you feel better.

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